Police pal's
suspicious of boyfriend -- but does he have shifty
Ellie Tesher
DEAR ELLIE: A police officer friend of mine
just told me that my boyfriend of nine months (who recently proposed) seemed
suspect. He ran a background check and says there's a warrant for my
boyfriend's arrest in California, and it's a very serious charge. I asked my
boyfriend; he denied it. My officer friend has always had a crush on me, and
he may be trying to sabotage the relationship. I don't know who to believe.
Please tell me if there's a way, Internet or otherwise, to check and see if
there is a warrant for someone's arrest in California.
DESPERATE
DEAR DESPERATE: The answer is simple, but your three-way communication is
complicated, confusing and crummy. Here's the simple part: For a fee, you
can search the Internet and look up criminal records and outstanding
warrants across the United States (Check www.criminal-records-search .com.)
Here's the complicated part: Your cop friend is doing you a favor - - if
he's correct. But be clear if you're not interested in him. By keeping his
crush simmering, you encourage this kind of meddling in your life. And if
he's wrong about your guy, he's no friend, he's just stirring up doubts,
emotions and accusations between a couple.
Here's the crummy part: After nine months and a proposal, you should know a
lot more about your boyfriend. If it's true that he has been involved in
past criminal activity, he's too deceptive for you to trust. But if he's
innocent, it means the cop was malicious and it's time to sever the
friendship with him.
As an alternative to going online, one can hire a private investigator to do
related searches on people.
DEAR ELLIE: I'm 17, and I've been with my girlfriend for a year. She's
previously admitted to cheating; I forgave her. Recently, she said she spoke
with another guy on the phone and will continue to do so. She says she loves
me, but doesn't know if she still wants to be with me. I do everything for
her: I'm her shoulder when she needs to cry; I give her money and anything
else she desires. I'm there 24/7/ 365.
She says nothing's going on, but I'm almost sure there is. How will I know
if she still wants to be with me? Should I back off or keep pursuing her?
She's my true first love.
WON'T LET LOVE GO
DEAR WON'T: The last thing you want to be, with your first love or any
other, is clingy or obsessed. Since you are new to mutually loving adult
relationships, treat this situation as a learning curve. For example, you
should know that it's normal and healthy for teenagers to have other friends
of the opposite sex besides a special one, and that talking on the phone is
neither cheating nor a threat. If you overreact, that makes you look
insecure.
You should also know that 24/7/365 availability leaves no chance for her to
miss you, or to try hard to keep you. Anyone who shadows a person that
closely soon seems intrusive and overbearing. Cliches like "absence makes
the heart grow fonder," come into use because they often hit the mark. Back
off, but not in a mean, punitive, nasty or threatening way. You both need
some space to continue growing emotionally for this or any other romance.
DEAR ELLIE: If the bride and groom and their families choose to address a
wedding invitation to one person -- i.e., John Doe -- should John Doe assume
he's allowed to bring a guest?
CURIOUS
DEAR CURIOUS: No. No. No. There must be weird vibes attached to wedding
invitations, because so many people question what they see written in plain
language. I call those vibes presumptions, rather than assumptions. It seems
that guests have their own agenda for other peoples' events, and rarely put
themselves in the others' shoes. So here are two things to remember: 1.
Weddings are emotional, celebratory events that the bride, groom and their
families want to share with people they know care about them enough to share
their joy; 2. The invitations, flowers, receptions, music and food all add
up to big bucks, and few people want to boost their costs by having
strangers added to the list, by guests who presume that they can bring
dates, stand-ins for absent spouses and uninvited children. However, when
truly in doubt, ask.
Tip of the day: A relationship that can easily be unhinged by rumor or
deception was too weak from the start.
Ellie's column runs Monday through Friday. Send e-mail to askellie@suntimes.com.
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